if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
