Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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