Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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