i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I looked at my own cervix.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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