Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
