the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
