I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
