That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
