If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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