I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
