Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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