I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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