Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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