Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
