I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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