My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
