someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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