Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
