I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
