she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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