I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
