I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
