Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
