i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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