i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
