My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
