Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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