then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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