found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
