we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize