And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Come see our sink grown plant.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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