he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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