I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
