Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
