at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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