I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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