Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
