dude i'm inner monologue high
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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