i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
