Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We had to coat check the pizza.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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