Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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