Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
