opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize