i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
