so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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