its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
