I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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