I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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