just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
