my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
