I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
