remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
