Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize