and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
