if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
