Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
