I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
