When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
