Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
