How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
