Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
